Saturday, March 5, 2011

I can't Get You Out of My Head

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control!" ~unknown

From: les biggs
To: Jaqueline Almdale
Sent: Wednesday 10/27/2010 4:57 pm (8:57 AM in Pullman, WA)
Subject: I Want to See You I Want to Hold You
Jaqueline my darling,
     I can`t get you out of my head and l don`t want to, l feel sure we are made for each other and by hook or by crook we will be together until one of us stops breathing. Not since Val have l had these feelings and l just love the way l feel.
     I want to come back before Christmas to talk in depth with you about how we can be together so please let me know how things are in regard to your vacation allowance because for sure l need to be with you real soon. If l only come for a week l don`t care as long as l can be with you and just get to know each other and this can be to any limit you set. As l type this your face is leaping out of the screen, your eyes are shining and that smile...............l never thought l would ever feel this way about anyone ever again. The warmth that emulates from you melts me into a helpless goo but l have no fear, only trust which--together with the love i feel--must be the most important ingredients for a loving relationship.
     I've just read this back to myself and can`t believe what i`m reading but it`s true, only the length of time since l felt this way makes it seem daft but l really feel so at ease with you, so safe, so loved. We can make each other so happy, l just feel it.
     Let me know how you feel about me coming back, can you get time off or would that eat into your vacation time that you might be wanting to use next year. Christmas is fast approaching, does the Uni shut down? The kids just want me to live for myself so an American Christmas is fine by all.
     This evening l took Andy & Tina to the local pub for a meal as a thank you for organising the boat mooring and checking all was well on board while l was away. As we sat in the bar after the meal l just yearned for the love they had between them; l feel i`ve found that.
      I`m not daft and realise 6.5 days is a short time but l also know how l feel and will go to any length to make things work between us. It will work Jaq if we want it to.
love and hugs,
Versailles © Jean-Marc 2007
      I had much the same feelings: giddy, euphoric, and lit up like Versailles during the social season. The cheeks of my heart hurt from smiling; my feet didn't seem to touch the ground when I walked. 
     I thought back to November 6th 2009 when this story began: "Who Knew? Really, not me. I was the most cynical of all cynics when it came to true love. I told my daughters, "Love is a disease that makes you deaf, dumb, and blind.  Your brain goes right out the window and your body starts thinking with parts totally unsuited for major life decisions...."  
     I couldn't blame this on hormones because the cancer staging surgery removed my uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes.  I felt as though I would float away if I didn't tether myself to some ordinary piece of reality.
View from the kitchen, Cloudhouse, Pullman, WA

     I was still amazed at Dear Sir's courage. It takes tremendous trust to fly five thousand miles to another country to stay in the home of someone one has never actually met. I told Les so on Tuesday morning of his visit as I made breakfast. I stood in my kitchen with an apron on, poaching eggs.   
     "What would you have done if you had got here and discovered I was a right bitch?"
      " I knew you weren't--especially after we spoke on the phone." He chuckled, sipped his tea, and said, "My girls back home asked me the same question!" So Bev and Jo had some concerns too. It reassured me to know they loved Les enough to bring up the issue for consideration.
     "And??? Les you are five thousand miles away from everyone you know--a stranger in a strange land. You took a huge chance flying over here without ever having met me. What would you have done if things had soured between us and I turned out to be a nasty piece of work?" I stared at Les frankly, curiosity locking my gaze with his. He peered back soberly, a dead serious look in his eyes. 
     "I'm an adult Jaqueline; and a gentleman. I wouldn't have been mean or rude. I would have said 'sorry but this isn't going to work out,' thanked you for your hospitality, packed my bag--walked into town if necessary--and taken a hotel. Life is too short to spend time with someone who makes me miserable. I won't do it."
     Our talk turned to other topics but I mulled over Les' answer. I was impressed by his honesty and need to be true to himself. It was the same answer I would have given if the table had been turned. 

From: Jaqueline Almdale
 To: Les Biggs
Sent: Wednesday 10/27/2010 9:02 PM (5:02 AM in England)
Subject: RE: I Want to See You I Want to Hold You
Hello love, 
     I have every belief this will work Les. I am a realistic optimist and I don’t go into big things in life without looking at every side of an issue. 
     I am chuckling to myself because I was thinking of enlisting Bev and Jo’s help in surprising you at Christmas! Great minds run in the same direction. Unfortunately December and the first half of January are the crazy busiest times for WSU Online and I will not be allowed any time off other than the holidays.
     Fall semester ends December 17th and final grades post December 22nd. Once final grades post we have to review all of our business majors to see whose grades from fall 2010 allow them to certify into their major. These students cannot register for spring 2011 courses until they are certified.
     The other huge thing that occurs is that with the final posting of fall 2010 grades on December 22nd, those students who are deficient academically—whose GPA’s drop below a 2.00--will only have five working days between December 23rd and January 2nd to read the notification of deficiency, go online and fill out the reinstatement application, and submit their documentation. Deficient students and reinstatement boards suck up a huge amount of time. We work harder from the middle of December to the middle of January than any other time of the year.
     With four surgeries in four years I have used all my annual and sick leave. I managed to save aside enough for our week together combined with a bit of comp time but as of right now I have none saved at all.
     Can you hold out until January?
     There are no lengths to go through to make it work between us Les. You already do make me happy. Just hold on to the amazing lovely time we had together and know it can be that way for us every day—and better. We just have to figure out the logistics. I believe this with all my heart. I promise I won’t disappear, or melt away, or change my mind. I’m yours if you want me—and I believe you do. 
      Just know that what is important to me is being with you when we can make it happen in a space and time that allows us to enjoy being together. It would be a total bummer to have you here and have to send my lips—and the rest of me--off to work every day. 
     I would only want to be with you. I would resent having to go into work every day knowing you were here and I cannot afford to do that. I have to be present for my students the way I want and need to be present in every moment when you and I are together. 
     Anything less is disingenuous. Cancer taught me to truly be present in every moment of my life. Otherwise whether one’s life is short or long is irrelevant—that life is wasted. It is one of the many gifts I harvested from that dreadful disease. 
     This will give you time to settle back into life on the boat, sort your vacation pictures and post them to your blog and should you choose to—and I hope you will—pick up your blog again.
     I promise you Les I won’t change my mind about you—or us. My word is my bond.
     Thank you for being so understanding about the things from my past. I promise I will always be honest with you Les. The other reason I’ve not been intimate with anyone since my divorce is because I can only give that part of myself to someone who understands that just as my written word is my truest voice, my intimate self is my most vulnerable part of me. That part can only be accessed by a man who is willing to reach for it with strength and gentleness; with desire and real love for who I am. That is what I was referring to when I told you during your visit, I am awkward about male-female relationships. 
     I can want you with all my heart but you will have to make the first move for me Les. That awkwardness comes from my childhood. I can get over it but I cannot reach beyond it initially. That child is my guardian and she will not let go and allow the woman that I am, room to move forward into the moment until she knows I am in the hands of a man who will take care of me. It all sounds complex I know; just know if you reach for me I will be there.
     I am so grateful you answered my very first posting Les. From the depths of my heart. And so very happy you trusted me enough to begin our email friendship. And so blessed that you had the amazing courage to fly five thousand miles to stay with a stranger and believe it would be okay. 
     So I’ll end here for tonight with a true story to make you laugh:
     Not only do I glow like I am lit from within by the sun, I am distracted by my sudden good fortune in having you in my heart and life; by a sudden whiff of your aftershave in my car when it has sat in the sun and warmed up. I find myself replaying dozens of things you said and did while you were here. To put a fine point on it—I am distracted and dizzy, giddy, and gobsmacked. 
Moscow Food Co-op; ©
     So I went shopping after work last night to the Moscow Food Co-Op for some supplements and veg. I came home and unpacked the bag, took off my glasses and read the receipt while I put the groceries away. I changed out of my work clothes and fixed a cuppa. I checked my email and wrote to you. Then I floated off to bed and sleep about 11:30 or midnight in a cloud of bliss. 
     I woke up this morning, showered, dressed, and was gathering myself together. I couldn’t for the life of me find my glasses. Now I try to be habitual about putting them in the same place whenever I take them off because I cannot see them to find them—if you know what I mean. 
     After forty five fruitless minutes of looking in every conceivably logical place I gave up and looked in the fridge—and there they were on the shelf next to the orange juice! (Yeah it’s true—the fridge is the final place to look when all logical places have been searched.) I was late to work and had to explain why to the gathered multitudes at agenda check.       
     Those who met you on your visit gave me knowing smiles. Everyone else is looking at me very curiously. I have literally transformed before their eyes and they don’t know why. The loving care and kindness of a good man is what makes a woman feel beautiful. Thanks for making me beautiful Les. 
Love and hugs, 


  1. You are amazing Jaq! Love your blog. I wait to read it until such time as I can just soak in it. How brave and wonderful it is that you can share such personal matters with the world.It really helps me understand...Again, thank you for sharing yourself with me. I love you so much and I'm glad you found your "split apart" :D

  2. Orinda
    I`m so glad Jaq is editing out parts of this story.

    Every minute was a joy and now via your blog i can re-live it all, thankyou.